Do's and Don'ts for Changing Families

Telling Your Children | Do's and Don'ts For Changing Families
Dear Mom & Dad: I'm Just a Kid | Additional Resources

Answering Questions

DO encourage and honestly answer each child's questions about changing family relationships.

DO reassure children the parent's decision to end their relationship is not the fault of or the responsibility of the child.

DON'T talk about pending or completed court proceedings. Child support is an adult issue not intended for children.

Adjusting To Change

DO offer each child comfort, warmth, and support. Be patient with each child.

DO reassure children both of you will always be their parents.

DO reassure children that both parents still love them and are thinking about them, no matter how much you personally feel the other parent is a "bad" person.

DO consistently enforce appropriate rules and standards. Strive for similar rules and routines in both homes, although they don't have to be exactly the same at each house.

DO be flexible and adaptable in responding to each child's behavior.

DO use family, support groups and professionals. Make teachers, counselors, doctors, babysitters in each child's life aware of the divorce or breakup.

Love and Respect

DO remember children need to love and respect both parents.

DO allow each child to believe both parents are good and loving parents. Children don't think of either parent as "more loving" or "better." They simply love and respect both of you.

DO look at the breakup or divorce through your children's eyes. As much as you may be glad you've separated or divorced, your children are not. They continue to love Mom and Dad and want both of you to be involved in their lives.

DO understand that all children instinctively desire to love their parents, regardless of that parent's faults and shortcomings. A child's love of a flawed parent does not mean the child loves you any less.

Continuing Relationships

DO encourage each child to express love, affection and respect for both parents in the presence of either parent at any time and any place. Children should never have to stifle love out of fear of disapproval by either parent.

DO encourage a child's regular, frequent, and consistent contact with both parents, in person, by letter, and by telephone.

DON'T withhold or restrict a child's time with the other parent as punishment or an effort to control the other parent.

DON'T make plans for the child during time a child is scheduled to be with the other parent without consent of the other parent.

DO take children to prearranged activities, regardless of which parent made the arrangements. Put your child first.

Your Child's Feelings

DO allow children to express their feelings.

DON'T tell children what to think or feel.

DO listen when your children have a criticism of the other parent. Just listen, rather than joining in or disagreeing.

DO acknowledge a child's feelings where appropriate. For example, "You are right. Dad has been late a lot this month." Encourage the child to bring up the issue with the other parent. Don't assume your child wants you to attack Mom or Dad.

DON'T compare your feelings to your children's feelings. You have your feelings, they have theirs.

Fighting

DON'T argue with the other parent in front of the children, or in circumstances where they may overhear the argument.

DO shield your children from intense battles between you and the other parent. A child's sense of security and self-esteem can be damaged by repeated exposure to combative parents.

DON'T participate if the other parent attempts to fight with you in front of the children. The less you participate, the less the other parent will continue to argue.

DO continue to respond calmly so as to defuse the situation when the other parent is too bitter or angry to exercise restraint.

DON'T worry about sheltering children from all adult conflict. Children benefit from seeing and hearing an argument with fair and respectful disagreement. Children learn to see conflict, with anger constructively expressed, as one form of healthy interaction between adults.

Loyalty Conflicts

DON'T create situations where the child must choose one parent over the other.

DON'T ask children to keep secrets from the other parent.

DON'T put children in the middle of conflict with the other parent.

DON'T use children for your own adult purposes such as asking them, "Who was that man who answered the telephone?" when calling a child at the other house. Children feel you are asking them to take sides which makes them feel conflicted and disloyal.

DON'T tell your children you are the "better" parent. This implies the other parent is deficient or careless. This troubles a child and may lead to depression and lowered self-esteem.

DON'T use your children as confidants or substitutes for the other parent or friends.

DON'T interrogate children after a visit with the other parent to learn of the other parent's negligence or poor judgment.

DON'T use a child as a spy to collect information on the other parent.

DON'T ask children to take sides or pump them for information about the other parent.

Criticism

DON'T undermine the other parent's authority in front of a child.

DON'T speak ill of or criticize the other parent or the other parent's family in front of a child or around the child so the child may overhear it.

DO bring up differences or disagreements with the other parent's behavior when the children are out of earshot or not present.

DO recognize there are situations when the other parent's actions are so inappropriate or dangerous that immediate intervention is needed to assure a child's safety.

DO recognize no one is perfect, including you, and that some amount of disagreement or criticism is normal.

DO remind children when they make unfavorable comparisons between parents, that each parent is doing the best he or she can for them, and that you each have your own set of strengths and weaknesses.

DO remember your child's self-esteem will be adversely affected by a belief that either parent is inadequate.

DO support the other parent's decisions or actions whenever appropriate and possible.

DO give age-appropriate explanations to your children about conflicts. For example, "Mom / Dad has been having a problem about drinking. She / He will be able to see you as soon as she / he is feeling better and the problem is under control."

DON'T ask questions that make subtle adverse judgments about the other parent. For example, "Did your Mom / Dad give you a bath today?" may convey, depending on the tone of your voice, that the other parent is failing to take good care of the children.

Child As Messenger

DON'T use a child as a messenger.

DO ask the other parent if you have a question about a parenting issue. If you cannot talk directly to the other parent, send him or her a letter.

DO plan together rather than through the children. Plan and consult each other directly regarding the children.

DON'T use a child to negotiate adult issues. For example, "Remember to ask your Mom / Dad if you can leave school early. If I suggest it, she / he will say no."

DON'T have a child arrange for visitation or contact with the other parent.