Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Help Opportunities for Separated Families

You’ve probably thought to yourself, maybe in frustration tinged with a bit of anger, that advice for divorced parents is often offered by people who apparently know nothing about the topic. Advice columnists give suggestions that sound reasonable, but ignore the fact that many times people respond in unreasonable ways, especially when in stressful situations like divorce. So, what are separated families to do?

It’s important to first remember that we each can only control our own behavior. If we’ve tried unsuccessfully to negotiate a parenting issue with our former spouse, it’s time to step back and first acknowledge that we’ve done the best we can for our kids. The situation will only deteriorate if we continue to try to force agreement or compliance from another adult who is uncooperative. Inevitably this only leads to the children being used as pawns in the struggle for control between battling parents. In other words, it’s no longer about the kids and what’s best for them. It’s about the divorce.

Mediation or family counseling for parenting issues is also an option in separated families. Too often, we only consider this type of help prior to the divorce, but it can be beneficial in cases where divorced parents simply cannot get past their own issues. And if one parent refuses to participate, counseling can still be supportive for the other parent who is desperately trying to do what is right for the kids.

A network of support is very helpful in raising children alone. Friends and family members can be called upon to fill in when children need to be picked up from activities or school, attend events in place of a parent, or just be available to listen. As divorced parents, we need to create this support system as quickly as possible, and utilize it without hesitation when necessary.

Our children can also be part of the solution. As a result of our guilt due to the divorce, we try to shield our kids from reality. But if they can’t attend an event, and there’s nothing we can do about it, honesty is the best policy. This doesn’t mean that we use the situation as another excuse to destroy our ex-spouse. It means we simply explain to our kids that circumstances make it impossible for us to make it happen for them this time. Life is full of disappointment, and the lesson will be a useful one for them in the future.

Parenting isn’t easy for intact families, and it’s that much more difficult when the family is separated. Throw into the mix an ex-spouse who refuses any attempts to be reasonable, and we have a recipe for disaster with the children as the first victims. We need to acknowledge that there’s only so much we can do on our own, call on our support systems, and teach our kids that life is sometimes unfair and difficult. And then we need to hang on to each other for dear life!

--June 2005

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at debrhan48@comcast.net.

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